img_1440I made a tarot drawing on New Year’s Eve 2018 for 2019 for the purpose of creating a mere twelve blog posts for the year.

So it is April already, the cruelest month. The card drawn is The Moon. This card indicates self-imposed boundaries that must be broken with solitary pursuit. So I am starting the month in an undisclosed location confined to quarters.

A voice has haunted me since my earliest memories.  It tells me that nothing will be all right until I finish my books. There are twelve of these books. They are the key. I have written many others, half-written, scoped out. There is another three, another four, and another half dozen possibilities. But the initial twelve are the ones this voice wants so badly.

I am not allowed anything of value until I complete them, no relationships, no stability, no happiness, no love, nothing. Even the precious daughter I raised on my own was done at the voice’s instruction, to teach me what joy there might be, to show me possibility and introduce me to dire adversity. Another’s life always matters more than your own.

My work as a contracted employee at the school district also the work of this voice, to give me time and enough stability to do the writing. How I have squandered so much of that time. I must finish these books or my life is meaningless. When I hit my thirties I tried to circumvent the number, cut it down to seven and so started with what will become book 6.  I knew it would not fly. Nobody really likes Pre-quels after all. Did Star Wars teach me nothing?

Finishing these stories is all that matters. Nothing else will satisfy me. Nothing. It is the only purpose, my only talent. I can do nothing else of value. So I must finish. I keep getting in my own way. Making excuses. I don’t know why I fear finishing the only thing I have ever felt both passion and compulsion to do.  It is paralyzing me. I simply cannot enjoy anything, no trip, no freedom,  no living person’s company, until these books are going out in the world.

All the rest my life seems so far out of my control, decisions made so that I could survive but nothing that gave me anything like happiness.  So for April, I follow the moon.

The Ides of March

March saw Judgment Reversed. The drawing seemed spot on. I felt trapped in my own sort of misery, going through the motions of life rather than living it.  I could not seem to break through even the smallest of barriers. I got a minimal amount of revision done to my book. I overcame one financial obstacle only to have another undo that progress. Frustration was the theme all month.

I worked out faithfully but no weight was lost. I dieted but still pain and exhaustion remained the theme of my existence. I feel a steady intense anger all the time, hormonal probably, but also existential. If I were only less stubborn, I would give up, embrace my heavier, older frame or toss myself into that inevitable abyss. Alas, I can’t stop fighting


Liverpool Results for March

LiverpoolFCFullLogoLiverpool kept my spirits up in places of terrible darkness.  More and more the bucket item of visiting Anfield for a Liverpool Premier League match moved higher up my list. Watching them play brings me joy like nothing else. There is something in that beautiful game where men from every imaginable background come together for a single purpose. I can’t quite hit on it, but there are answers there in this simple game.

March 3rd

Liverpool 0   Everton 0 this put me in a terrible mood to start the month. Liverpool should have beat Everton handily. 

March 10th

Liverpool 4. Burnley 2 – loved this

March 13th

Liverpool 3    Bayern München 1 – Champion’s League – HUGE

March 17th

Liverpool 2.  Fulham 1 – less than stellar performance but we’ll take it

March 31st

Liverpool 2  Tottenham 1 – what a game. Heart still pounding.


Here is hoping that April is better than March.




2 thoughts

  1. I remember author Shirley Jump ( in a course I did with her over a decade ago on goal setting) saying there are two types of fear – the fear of success and the fear of failure. Both will stop you from reaching your goal. When you know which type of fear you have you can address it. Mine is fear of failure. So I have to keep reminding myself of the quote I have stuck on my desk: The most painful thing to experience is not defeat but regret.

    I have to remind myself of that quote all the time. Life in March was horrid so I truly hope April is going to be better. But the one thing I want to do this month is get writing again as it has been ages since I have. I’m the opposite of you – I feel I don’t deserve the time to write until everything else is done. But everything else won’t get done (the to-do list is never ending) so I need to work out how to make writing fit in.

    Well done on sticking to your exercise goals. Have you tried measuring yourself? You might find the centimetres have gone down even if the scale hasn’t.

    Good luck with April. See you on the other side =)


    1. Hi AJ,
      So sorry for taking so much time to reply. Things got a bit out of hand between a battle scene and trying to patch a bit of non-sequitur prose.
      Yes, the exercise is actually slimming me- just not making me lighter which is fine. It does make me feel stronger and my clothes fit so much better. And I am afraid of both failure and success. I like being invisible I think. But I do want people to read my books after all I have put into them. It is looking like June before I hit query train – a full year and some change longer than I expected. Well, I suppose I should enjoy being able to spend this time on what I hope will be my debut. Hope you find time to write.


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