July 2019- Knight of Swords

img_1443Back in December, on New Year’s Eve, I did a tarot drawing, one card for each month. July drew The Knight of Swords.  The knight indicates a battle, one that must be fought but the knight can lead that contest to victory. However, the fight must be made. And that is accurate. There are three distinct battles for me to fight this month.

June was a tough month. My parent’s house was destroyed by an electrical fire. No one was hurt but it will be 4-6 months in reconstruction. That is super tough for my elderly parents. It is the house my father was born in and the house I grew up in.

RenderedImage Dealing with the aftermath of the loss of my childhood home is the first battle of July. Getting my parents settled and finding a way for them to take advantage of insurance paying for everything so they can totally remodel their house, make it easy to live in for the remainder of their days will be a victory. However, the road there is hard and my parents are not in great health. Frankie is super worried.

The second battle. My daughter is leaving New York to come here to go back to school and regroup. She is not sure if she will return to New York. She has taken location out of her dreams.

UjkgY2PHSai+iopraTBXTwShe wishes to work at something where she feels passion and purpose, wherever that may be. She has taken a “Women in Tech” scholarship to learn full-stack programming to open up her options for employment. While in school, she is going to live with me. She returns home in August.

To prepare I have donated all my oversized furniture and for the first time in my life, bought new furniture that will allow the space to work comfortable for two. This has felt invigorating but also like closing a chapter of my life again. Change is the only constant in life but it comes slow.

58344333290__BC7FC1A5-CCCB-41A6-B2F6-7C0017396758The third is handing my book over to my two beta readers. I am off this week to finish up the last revisions. I have such mixed feelings. It is a good book, I think. I hope. But it is done. It is time to let it fly.

When one book ends, another must begin. In my little world, Hell is a white blank page. So much possibility for me to wield or destroy. Filling the first pages of a first draft feels like weeding through a field of razor sharp vines, a death by a thousand cuts. Once I get there, it is paradise and when I end a book, I hold paradise for a moment. And then I return right back into Hell.  So into the brink we go in a too hot July.

 

 

An Unfinished Puzzle

My daughter came home for the holidays. One of the activities we have always loved img_1399doing together since she was a tiny baby girl has been puzzles. So in the midst of finishing Christmas shopping and preparing for an endless influx of guests and gatherings, we picked up a jigsaw puzzle to do together.

We love libraries and so picked out a jigsaw puzzle of the Maria Laach Library in Germany. It is gorgeous place but makes for a nearly impossible puzzle.

My daughter is only here for three days so we have spent our tired hours piecing together this lovely library. It almost feels like finding each piece and the right place for it settles something cosmically. For me, it feels like echoing heaven. We are only a breath away at times it seems. We can see paradise but can only paint illusions of it.

img_1367My daughter and I gathered with our extended family on Christmas Eve morning for a brunch. My aunt passed away in 2015 leaving my uncle in charge of her beloved horses so we all ventured down to the barn, a repeat of a tradition that has been going for as long as I can remember.

My uncle lives in the house my aunt was born in and died in. Our family is like that, settling hard on the land. My cousins are big on pictures, recording every moment they possibly can on film.

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I could not help but notice how my uncle and cousins all are able to celebrate my aunt’s life more than they mourn the loss of it. I still miss my Aunt Barbara so much. She was one of those iron ladies you sometimes read about but rarely have the pleasure to know.

The picture of my family that I took is missing pieces. My parents were not feeling too well and so they left the brunch right after eating. My brother’s car died, and he and my nephew could not attend. My daughter and I lurked behind the camera, and the sun made it devilishly hard to get a clear photo on my phone. Pieces of the whole still remain to be fit in order to complete the picture. Isn’t that always the way of things?