#LiverpoolFC, Writing

April 2019- The Moon

img_1440I made a tarot drawing on New Year’s Eve 2018 for 2019 for the purpose of creating a mere twelve blog posts for the year.

So it is April already, the cruelest month. The card drawn is The Moon. This card indicates self-imposed boundaries that must be broken with solitary pursuit. So I am starting the month in an undisclosed location confined to quarters.

A voice has haunted me since my earliest memories.  It tells me that nothing will be all right until I finish my books. There are twelve of these books. They are the key. I have written many others, half-written, scoped out. There is another three, another four, and another half dozen possibilities. But the initial twelve are the ones this voice wants so badly.

I am not allowed anything of value until I complete them, no relationships, no stability, no happiness, no love, nothing. Even the precious daughter I raised on my own was done at the voice’s instruction, to teach me what joy there might be, to show me possibility and introduce me to dire adversity. Another’s life always matters more than your own.

My work as a contracted employee at the school district also the work of this voice, to give me time and enough stability to do the writing. How I have squandered so much of that time. I must finish these books or my life is meaningless. When I hit my thirties I tried to circumvent the number, cut it down to seven and so started with what will become book 6.  I knew it would not fly. Nobody really likes Pre-quels after all. Did Star Wars teach me nothing?

Finishing these stories is all that matters. Nothing else will satisfy me. Nothing. It is the only purpose, my only talent. I can do nothing else of value. So I must finish. I keep getting in my own way. Making excuses. I don’t know why I fear finishing the only thing I have ever felt both passion and compulsion to do.  It is paralyzing me. I simply cannot enjoy anything, no trip, no freedom,  no living person’s company, until these books are going out in the world.

All the rest my life seems so far out of my control, decisions made so that I could survive but nothing that gave me anything like happiness.  So for April, I follow the moon.

The Ides of March

March saw Judgment Reversed. The drawing seemed spot on. I felt trapped in my own sort of misery, going through the motions of life rather than living it.  I could not seem to break through even the smallest of barriers. I got a minimal amount of revision done to my book. I overcame one financial obstacle only to have another undo that progress. Frustration was the theme all month.

I worked out faithfully but no weight was lost. I dieted but still pain and exhaustion remained the theme of my existence. I feel a steady intense anger all the time, hormonal probably, but also existential. If I were only less stubborn, I would give up, embrace my heavier, older frame or toss myself into that inevitable abyss. Alas, I can’t stop fighting

 

Liverpool Results for March

LiverpoolFCFullLogoLiverpool kept my spirits up in places of terrible darkness.  More and more the bucket item of visiting Anfield for a Liverpool Premier League match moved higher up my list. Watching them play brings me joy like nothing else. There is something in that beautiful game where men from every imaginable background come together for a single purpose. I can’t quite hit on it, but there are answers there in this simple game.

March 3rd

Liverpool 0   Everton 0 this put me in a terrible mood to start the month. Liverpool should have beat Everton handily. 

March 10th

Liverpool 4. Burnley 2 – loved this

March 13th

Liverpool 3    Bayern München 1 – Champion’s League – HUGE

March 17th

Liverpool 2.  Fulham 1 – less than stellar performance but we’ll take it

March 31st

Liverpool 2  Tottenham 1 – what a game. Heart still pounding.

 

Here is hoping that April is better than March.

 

 

 

#LiverpoolFC, Dreams, Prophecy, Writing

March 2019- Judgment Reversed

img_1439I am marching through 2019 on the draw of 12 cards. In February, it was the Chariot. That pushed me further into my journey. My book, my body, my mentality, all of it pushed forward. Although, parts of the journey have proved to be painful. Still, I persevered. Now it is March.

For March, the Judgment card came up in the reversed position. That fits. In reverse, Judgment card indicates delay and guilt preventing moving on from the past.

I do tend to be my worst enemy in these things. And the past has been haunting me lately in the form of memories, moments lost and gone forever. I know my life is changing forever and that I am in the bottom half of my journey in these bones.  A large bucket of regret feels like it is eating away at my belly. It seems I must find a way to conquer those feelings this month.

 

Physical Stuff

I am 13 workouts into my OrangeTheory workouts and that is going ok. I love doing it, but I am not getting the splat points I want. My knees and right hip prevent me from running on tread and so I am stuck at power walking which is not challenging my heart.  So some frustration there. This is the point where I will usually give up on these things instead of powering through the pain. I will endeavor to continue, cheerfully.

Creative Stuff

I have not reached the query trenches. This makes it so I don’t want to make other kinds of plans until the book is off and gone. I don’t even want to say I am close yet because I have said that before and then been wrong. So another delay and more frustration.

Liverpool FC – The Joy in My Life

%g4wUYipRlmj4KknzJsESAI want to move back to the UK more than I can even express if only to be able to go to Anfield and watch my favorite footballers. Frankie is torn. She reminds me that my roots are still here.

Liverpool is still top of the table so a Phoenix tattoo still looms my future.But like me, Liverpool stalled a bit in February drawing against both West Ham and Man U. They might have clenched their title run by beating both those teams. They did not.

Liverpool won decisively over the teams they beat in February. They beat Bournemouth 3-0 and Watford 5-0. For them, they need to not delay, to let go of past spoils where they lead at Christmas and failed to clench the title in the end. So off into March we go.

 

#LiverpoolFC, Dreams, Prophecy, Soccer, Writing

February 2019- The Chariot

img_1437I did a tarot drawing for 2019 on New Year’s Eve in 2018 as a way to concentrate on the upcoming year. In review, January we saw the Magician – a sign of new beginnings.

In January, I restructured my WIP – taking it from 34 longish chapters into 60 short chapters and I felt this was great forward movement. I also joined a gym of sorts, OrangeTheory, and my body is changing and getting stronger. Other things, closer and personal, are also moving forward.

LFCTattooLiverpool is hanging onto their lead in the Premier League. That matters to me. Watching Liverpool play brings me a joy like nothing else. I will be getting a Liverpool tattoo on my left arm if they win the league in May.  They have 4 points on Tottenham and 5 points on Man City as of this writing. May is a long way off.

In February, The Chariot will fuel the momentum of the new year. This card represents a journey toward a long-awaited destination.  For me, that means getting book into the query trenches or developing all the tools to get the book ready for representation and sale.  It also means getting my health back in gear with my diet and exercise plan.

Two close co-workers fell critically ill in January – one cancer and one a stroke that left him paralyzed on his right side. Both gentlemen are my age and lead healthy lives. We never know when our mortal time will be done so I am reminded to thank the Lord above for the grace of a new day, a new week, a new month, or a new year. This is such a temporary state of existence. We should not squander it.

Pack up for your journey and put that first step out. That is the hardest bit of getting started, that very first step. Try and keep warm. Yes, winter is here but spring is coming. The journey is only beginning and the possibilities around the bend are endless.

 

#LiverpoolFC, Football, Soccer, Writing

Liverpool FC vs My Book

LiverpoolFCI have two weaknesses. Gummy bears and Liverpool FC. The worst the gummy bears do is expand my aging waist. I can live with that and I can keep writing. In fact, the sugary goodness of the little bears can push me through hard endeavors like a query or a synopsis. Oh how I despise writing a synopsis.

LiverpoolWomenLiverpool FC, however, can distract me to the point that my book languishes in the background. How I wish they had a proper women’s team when I was coming along. I would have left school to play for them. How I envy these young women.

For years and years and then some more years, for the greater part of my life, Liverpool has not performed so well. It is only recently that Liverpool has begun to show its fans hope. I do believe that this winning streak that Liverpool is on is why I will be querying a book in early 2019.  Although, short of my obsession, perhaps the book would have been ready last summer. Ah well. It is what it is.

LFCLogoIn years past, when they would lose, I would languish for days. It was so heartbreaking. Now, I get that way if they draw, but as long as they keep winning, my writing will flourish. The bit where my characters keep earning the names of various Liverpool players, well, that is not something I can control. Obsession being what it is. I love that football club. So if you know any Liverpool players or staff, tell them to keep winning. My writing career depends on it.

In fact, if Liverpool wins the Premiere League, I will tattoo their logo onto my back on the right- in a great place of honor next to my Tolkien tat.

#LiverpoolFC, Football, Soccer, Writing

Pug Corner -Liverpool FC

img_1139

Frankie does not understand. It is supposed to be a writing day. There’s a deadline for a contest and everything. The writer is acting strangely. It happens. We are talking a writer, but this is beyond a pug’s comprehension. The writer has turned on the television and is watching people with pretty accents talk about men in shorts kicking balls into nets like it is the most riveting stuff ever. Even more important than belly rubs and walks in the park.

LiverpoolLiverpool is playing Chelsea today. The writer explains. She’s been a fan since 1986, back when she was in school in the UK. There have been lots of underwhelming years in the interim. Many groans which Frankie understands nothing about. Early mornings in tears, but since this Jurgen Klopp fellow has shown up, Liverpool is starting to look like the team it was when the writer first became aware of them. At a Chelsea vs Liverpool match back in her university days after a raucous breakup with a Man U fan. So she cheered for Liverpool to annoy her ex, but as she watched them play, well, it was magic. It fueled the love of a game few played back in the states, one she played better than most of the boys back home. The writer played into her university years,  and later coached in the US, sharing her love of the game with a new generation, all the way until her daughter was eleven years old. Her daughter feels much like the pug. This game too much distracts the writer.

Now Liverpool is rocking the table. But so is Chelsea. The writer is all nervous, like maybe there’s a cat around or something. Frankie checks. No cat but the writer is pacing like, you know, maybe there’s a mountain lion hanging out on the ceiling.

img_1140Ok, a pug can do nothing about the nervous writer. Peace will resume only after the appropriate match has been played. Frankie is going to take a nap. Then she will remind the writer, there’s a deadline. A contest to enter. A novel to finish. Whether Liverpool wins or not. Frankie hopes her diet is not displaced by a Liverpool loss. Now the writer glares at the pug.  This is a hopeless situation. You’d think the writer was in love. Like in the real world in love with an enter football team. It’s pathetic.

UPDATE: Liverpool 1 Chelsea 1 – Liverpool is 2 on the table behind Man City by Goal Difference. Writer is hyper-ventilating. Frankie is napping.  Writing will re-commence until next week’s match against Man City.