Writing

#LiverpoolFC, Prophecy, Women, Writing

June 2019 – The Emperor

E.M. Goldsmith 3 Comments

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Well, we are six months into 2019. The 6th card I drew for the year is The Emperor. This is a card that portends guidance, protection, and advice from a father figure.

A Little Non-Feminist Feminist Rant

I have been thinking about men in society a lot given my background and the current political climate where awful phrases like “toxic masculinity” are tossed about.

I am an independent woman who has worked in a male-dominated field (software engineering) my entire adult life. I raised a daughter on my own. I have no male partner in my life. I don’t want one. That has nothing to do with my gender. I am happy being single and was miserable married.

I remember being told to shut-up as a young girl because the men were talking. I was told I was not given a middle name because I could use my surname as a middle name when I got married. When I was coming up, the society around me screamed that as a woman, I literally had ZERO value if I did not get married.

So I get why so many women are pissed off at the “patriarchy”. It is an unhealthy environment that casts women as property for the sole purpose of sex and reproduction. For thousands of years of history, in all corners of the world, women have been less-valued than men. That must stop.

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People matter. We all do. Regardless of gender, race, ideology. We matter, each and every one of us. We all make choices that lighten or darken the world. Some make no choices at all which allows the status quo to continue for good or ill.  So I have no problem with the male in general. I even welcome the support, guidance, and protection of men. It is when they become tyrants we have a problem, but June brought the Emperor upright and not in reverse.

Moving On

I look forward to June. I have made great progress on the book. With the Champions League and the EPL on hiatus until August, I have less distractions from my final push to put this book to rest and get on with the next eleven. Yes, I started writing eleven other books during the last three years while writing this one. Another reason, this is taking so long.

The end of an Era

images-2Game of Thrones came to an end in May 2019. Lots of fans were disappointed. The final season felt rushed to a conclusion that satisfied few. However, for myself, I think that it came to an end was what tore me up.  Game of Thrones is undoubtable the greatest television show so far. It drew in millions of viewers, invested them in the complex and difficult characters that spoke so loudly to our humanity. While I will miss the show, miss trying to figure out what happens next, I so look forward the George RR Martin finishing his books. Let’s see which one of us gets there first. Shall we?

Miracles in May

A unseasonably hot May has ended after a series of triumph and a miracle.  I wake to June with Liverpool as European Champions. Miracles do happen. Recall that when I entered May, Liverpool had a 3-0 deficit to cover in order to get to the Champions League final. They did so with a miracle at Anfield. I took a great deal of inspiration from that night.

May 7, 2019 is one of those days I will remember forever. Yes, I am obsessed with Liverpool and really the English Premier League. There is something there that men from literally every corner of the globe can come together, united by purpose, put their differences aside and create emotion like this. Note at the end of the evening, when Liverpool has done the impossible, the crowd singing to them and the players singing back to the crowd “You Will Never Walk Alone”. This is the stuff of hope and dreams.

#LiverpoolFC, Prophecy, Writing

May 2019 – King of Swords

E.M. Goldsmith 1 Comment

img_1441It is already May. And here is the 5th card of my 2018 New Year’s Eve drawing.

The King of Swords indicates Ambition, projects taking off. I am optimistic that this is a good portent of things to come. My current book is better than I ever dreamed. Epic fantasy is ambitious so this is the card for completing one. I do wish I was already on the query train. July feels like the realistic goal. That is a hard time to hit the rails as it is also conference season so agents are doing lots of traveling. We shall see.

My beloved Liverpool FC had a wonderful April. They are in semi-finals of Champion’s League. The first game of the semi against Barcelona of a two game set did not go well at all on this first day of May. No away goal and Barcelona punished us 3-0. Lionel Messi is the best player in the world. No doubt. But Mo Salah and Sadio Mane will match him in time. As will Liverpool’s big man, Virgil Van Dyke. Just wait.

If Liverpool win their last two games, they could still win the EPL but Man City would have to lose or tie. If they beat Barcelona 4-0 at Anfield, they win Champion’s League. My feeling is this is not the year for Liverpool trophies. In keeping with the sometimes harsh King of Swords, next season will see my loved team take a trophy or three. Everything is in place for them to win everything. I would love to see Liverpool take the treble and silence their over-abundance of critics.

Liverpool and I suffer together with that almost there and so close but so far away misery. Although, Liverpool play football with such joy. It is why I love them. I hope they recognize how close they are to being a truly legendary team, one that will be remembered for the ages, that other teams will aspire to for a century.  What a season. Even Sir Alec Ferguson in all his winning seasons at Man United never had as many points as Liverpool has amassed this season.  In all but 3 seasons in the last 40 years, the 91 points Liverpool have  right now (with 2 games to go) would have won them the league. Crazy. Damn, Man City. Damn, Lionel Messi. We fight on.

April, the Cruelest Month

April was not terrible. In fact, it resolved a lot of pressure. I paid off my credit card debt (which was amazing and took me years to accomplish). This frees me up for future opportunities. Maybe buy a house. Maybe move to Liverpool. That’s a possibility.

I did a crap load of revision on my book and it is buzzing along. It has gone from being very good to something extraordinary in personal terms. I don’t know how the market or agents will receive it. I won’t know that until I query the thing. But I made positive steps forward.

I had a great visit with my daughter. She lives in New York and came home for one of her best friend’s engagement party. My daughter will be maid of honor in the wedding. She is going to wear a tuxedo. We shopped for a bowtie and she looks awesome in a jacket and bowtie.

Liverpool

A great month for Liverpool FC which Barcelona and Lionel Messi stomped on this first day of May. We are not going to talk about that.

April 5 Liverpool 5 – Southhampton 1

April 9 Liverpool 2 – FC Porto 0 (Champion’s League)

April 14 Liverpool 2 – Chelsea 0

April 17 Liverpool 4. FC Porto 1 (Champion’s League)

April 21 Liverpool 2  Cardiff City 0

April 26 Liverpool 5  Huddersfield 0

In May, Liverpool play Newcastle (a former Liverpool coach at the helm), Barcelona for second leg of Champion’s League semis, (we must win 4-0 to advance to finals -seems unlikely).  If we beat Newcastle and Brendan Rogers and Leicester can’t pay Liverpool a solid by beating or drawing Man City, the cup will go down to the final day when we play the  Wolverhampton Wolves (not an easy team) and Man City gets Brighton (a team that will likely be relegated).

This is the story of my life. So off we go. See you in June.

 

#LiverpoolFC, Writing

April 2019- The Moon

E.M. Goldsmith 2 Comments

img_1440I made a tarot drawing on New Year’s Eve 2018 for 2019 for the purpose of creating a mere twelve blog posts for the year.

So it is April already, the cruelest month. The card drawn is The Moon. This card indicates self-imposed boundaries that must be broken with solitary pursuit. So I am starting the month in an undisclosed location confined to quarters.

A voice has haunted me since my earliest memories.  It tells me that nothing will be all right until I finish my books. There are twelve of these books. They are the key. I have written many others, half-written, scoped out. There is another three, another four, and another half dozen possibilities. But the initial twelve are the ones this voice wants so badly.

I am not allowed anything of value until I complete them, no relationships, no stability, no happiness, no love, nothing. Even the precious daughter I raised on my own was done at the voice’s instruction, to teach me what joy there might be, to show me possibility and introduce me to dire adversity. Another’s life always matters more than your own.

My work as a contracted employee at the school district also the work of this voice, to give me time and enough stability to do the writing. How I have squandered so much of that time. I must finish these books or my life is meaningless. When I hit my thirties I tried to circumvent the number, cut it down to seven and so started with what will become book 6.  I knew it would not fly. Nobody really likes Pre-quels after all. Did Star Wars teach me nothing?

Finishing these stories is all that matters. Nothing else will satisfy me. Nothing. It is the only purpose, my only talent. I can do nothing else of value. So I must finish. I keep getting in my own way. Making excuses. I don’t know why I fear finishing the only thing I have ever felt both passion and compulsion to do.  It is paralyzing me. I simply cannot enjoy anything, no trip, no freedom,  no living person’s company, until these books are going out in the world.

All the rest my life seems so far out of my control, decisions made so that I could survive but nothing that gave me anything like happiness.  So for April, I follow the moon.

The Ides of March

March saw Judgment Reversed. The drawing seemed spot on. I felt trapped in my own sort of misery, going through the motions of life rather than living it.  I could not seem to break through even the smallest of barriers. I got a minimal amount of revision done to my book. I overcame one financial obstacle only to have another undo that progress. Frustration was the theme all month.

I worked out faithfully but no weight was lost. I dieted but still pain and exhaustion remained the theme of my existence. I feel a steady intense anger all the time, hormonal probably, but also existential. If I were only less stubborn, I would give up, embrace my heavier, older frame or toss myself into that inevitable abyss. Alas, I can’t stop fighting

 

Liverpool Results for March

LiverpoolFCFullLogoLiverpool kept my spirits up in places of terrible darkness.  More and more the bucket item of visiting Anfield for a Liverpool Premier League match moved higher up my list. Watching them play brings me joy like nothing else. There is something in that beautiful game where men from every imaginable background come together for a single purpose. I can’t quite hit on it, but there are answers there in this simple game.

March 3rd

Liverpool 0   Everton 0 this put me in a terrible mood to start the month. Liverpool should have beat Everton handily. 

March 10th

Liverpool 4. Burnley 2 – loved this

March 13th

Liverpool 3    Bayern München 1 – Champion’s League – HUGE

March 17th

Liverpool 2.  Fulham 1 – less than stellar performance but we’ll take it

March 31st

Liverpool 2  Tottenham 1 – what a game. Heart still pounding.

 

Here is hoping that April is better than March.

 

 

 

#LiverpoolFC, Dreams, Prophecy, Writing

March 2019- Judgment Reversed

E.M. Goldsmith 2 Comments

img_1439I am marching through 2019 on the draw of 12 cards. In February, it was the Chariot. That pushed me further into my journey. My book, my body, my mentality, all of it pushed forward. Although, parts of the journey have proved to be painful. Still, I persevered. Now it is March.

For March, the Judgment card came up in the reversed position. That fits. In reverse, Judgment card indicates delay and guilt preventing moving on from the past.

I do tend to be my worst enemy in these things. And the past has been haunting me lately in the form of memories, moments lost and gone forever. I know my life is changing forever and that I am in the bottom half of my journey in these bones.  A large bucket of regret feels like it is eating away at my belly. It seems I must find a way to conquer those feelings this month.

 

Physical Stuff

I am 13 workouts into my OrangeTheory workouts and that is going ok. I love doing it, but I am not getting the splat points I want. My knees and right hip prevent me from running on tread and so I am stuck at power walking which is not challenging my heart.  So some frustration there. This is the point where I will usually give up on these things instead of powering through the pain. I will endeavor to continue, cheerfully.

Creative Stuff

I have not reached the query trenches. This makes it so I don’t want to make other kinds of plans until the book is off and gone. I don’t even want to say I am close yet because I have said that before and then been wrong. So another delay and more frustration.

Liverpool FC – The Joy in My Life

%g4wUYipRlmj4KknzJsESAI want to move back to the UK more than I can even express if only to be able to go to Anfield and watch my favorite footballers. Frankie is torn. She reminds me that my roots are still here.

Liverpool is still top of the table so a Phoenix tattoo still looms my future.But like me, Liverpool stalled a bit in February drawing against both West Ham and Man U. They might have clenched their title run by beating both those teams. They did not.

Liverpool won decisively over the teams they beat in February. They beat Bournemouth 3-0 and Watford 5-0. For them, they need to not delay, to let go of past spoils where they lead at Christmas and failed to clench the title in the end. So off into March we go.

 

#LiverpoolFC, Dreams, Prophecy, Soccer, Writing

February 2019- The Chariot

E.M. Goldsmith 4 Comments

img_1437I did a tarot drawing for 2019 on New Year’s Eve in 2018 as a way to concentrate on the upcoming year. In review, January we saw the Magician – a sign of new beginnings.

In January, I restructured my WIP – taking it from 34 longish chapters into 60 short chapters and I felt this was great forward movement. I also joined a gym of sorts, OrangeTheory, and my body is changing and getting stronger. Other things, closer and personal, are also moving forward.

LFCTattooLiverpool is hanging onto their lead in the Premier League. That matters to me. Watching Liverpool play brings me a joy like nothing else. I will be getting a Liverpool tattoo on my left arm if they win the league in May.  They have 4 points on Tottenham and 5 points on Man City as of this writing. May is a long way off.

In February, The Chariot will fuel the momentum of the new year. This card represents a journey toward a long-awaited destination.  For me, that means getting book into the query trenches or developing all the tools to get the book ready for representation and sale.  It also means getting my health back in gear with my diet and exercise plan.

Two close co-workers fell critically ill in January – one cancer and one a stroke that left him paralyzed on his right side. Both gentlemen are my age and lead healthy lives. We never know when our mortal time will be done so I am reminded to thank the Lord above for the grace of a new day, a new week, a new month, or a new year. This is such a temporary state of existence. We should not squander it.

Pack up for your journey and put that first step out. That is the hardest bit of getting started, that very first step. Try and keep warm. Yes, winter is here but spring is coming. The journey is only beginning and the possibilities around the bend are endless.

 

Writing

Puzzling Across The Trenches

E.M. Goldsmith Leave a comment

I am so close to the edge of the query trenches. If my book were a jigsaw puzzle, it would look like the picture below.  So close but with a few holes. This puzzle was a thousand pieces. At this point, I am missing less than one hundred. The structure is totally in place just as the book has a solid format.

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My book has gone through workshops, beta reads, editor eyes, and there remain a few holes. But like the jigsaw puzzle, I will finish it and soon. Piece by piece. For now it is napping so that I can read it with fresh eyes at the end of the month. Then we are off to the query trenches with no further delays with a gloriously finished book.

Didn’t the puzzle turn out splendidly? I hope this is about what my library looks like one day. If my books do exceedingly well. I hope they do. I can dream, yes?

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Christmas, Family, Writing

An Unfinished Puzzle

E.M. Goldsmith Leave a comment

My daughter came home for the holidays. One of the activities we have always loved img_1399doing together since she was a tiny baby girl has been puzzles. So in the midst of finishing Christmas shopping and preparing for an endless influx of guests and gatherings, we picked up a jigsaw puzzle to do together.

We love libraries and so picked out a jigsaw puzzle of the Maria Laach Library in Germany. It is gorgeous place but makes for a nearly impossible puzzle.

My daughter is only here for three days so we have spent our tired hours piecing together this lovely library. It almost feels like finding each piece and the right place for it settles something cosmically. For me, it feels like echoing heaven. We are only a breath away at times it seems. We can see paradise but can only paint illusions of it.

img_1367My daughter and I gathered with our extended family on Christmas Eve morning for a brunch. My aunt passed away in 2015 leaving my uncle in charge of her beloved horses so we all ventured down to the barn, a repeat of a tradition that has been going for as long as I can remember.

My uncle lives in the house my aunt was born in and died in. Our family is like that, settling hard on the land. My cousins are big on pictures, recording every moment they possibly can on film.

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I could not help but notice how my uncle and cousins all are able to celebrate my aunt’s life more than they mourn the loss of it. I still miss my Aunt Barbara so much. She was one of those iron ladies you sometimes read about but rarely have the pleasure to know.

The picture of my family that I took is missing pieces. My parents were not feeling too well and so they left the brunch right after eating. My brother’s car died, and he and my nephew could not attend. My daughter and I lurked behind the camera, and the sun made it devilishly hard to get a clear photo on my phone. Pieces of the whole still remain to be fit in order to complete the picture. Isn’t that always the way of things?